This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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