Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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