If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
