Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
