He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
