oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize