Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
