You can't special order awesome
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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