just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
