The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
In America we eat man semen.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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