I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
