when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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