I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
