His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
