He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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