Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
