How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
