I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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