made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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