YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
