Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
