i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
