she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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