Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
