That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
