you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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