Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Randomize
