Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
