i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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