8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
