i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
