So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
