Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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