Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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