i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
