I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
You did what with his pubic hair?
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