When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
