Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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