3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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