Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
