Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
