my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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