she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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