im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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