I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
