HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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