she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
