You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize