I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
