just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
