I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
