Taylor Swift is so right about you.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
