Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
