i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
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