My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Randomize
