Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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