I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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