Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
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