i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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