thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
