I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
