I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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